D&D in Space

Excerpts from the galactic shadow committee’s investigation into Ronan Firstlight

Oshin Ogarmia interviewing Kira Burningheart

Oshin: Please state your name for the record.

Kira: Kira Burningheart.

Oshin: Will you describe the events that took place on New Bigsby on the dates in question.

Kira: Yes. We, uh, the crew of the Archon landed on New Bisgby for vacation. I was told that I would be allowed some time to enjoy myself before being delivered to prison.

Oshin: Enjoy yourself?

Kira: Yes. Rides. Beaches. It is a Jaxean world. So I took some time to enjoy the sights and also secretly contact my spies.

Oshin: Oh really?

Kira: Yes. As it doesn’t matter anymore, given the events of [redacted], I will point out that even under the watchful eye of Sledge, the Corsa, who spent the entire time no more than 15 feet from me, I managed to get word to my network about the plans concerning [redacted]. It was during this monitoring that a Jaxean female named Mintsy Smuchandsuch contacted Sledge and requested a secret meeting. She seemed, uh, mentally unwell. And she may have killed security professionals that day. So Sledge declined meeting her in a second location. The captain was nearby as we were at a pieshop owned by some fans of her. The Pigglywistleblowers. And Sledge relayed his bizarre exchange to the captain.

Oshin: All this happened at a pie shop?

Kira: Yes. Single Baby Pie Shop. Next, the Captain went to visit Ms. Smuchandsuch.

Oshin: And where was the rest of the crew.

Kira: Light, Marcus, Blistery, and Mickey were shopping, then at a karaoke bar. Frithrik was at a strip club/magic show/petting zoo.

Oshin: Can you elaborate on that?

Kira: No, not really. Allen was also shopping, but for provisions. Not clothes.

Oshin: And the other two Corsa, Target and Stud?

Kira: Still in prison at this point.

Oshin: Understood. Please go on.

Kira: Kanda found Mintsy dead at the meeting place in an apparent suicide. She tried to do some digging by was pushed aside by the police. She found Frithrik as Frithrik had been arrested for attempted kidnapping.

Oshin: Kidnapping?

Kira: She was attempting to gather children on the street. Frithrik was still in the midst of a very prolonged mental breakdown at this point.

Oshin: Right. I recall now. Go on.

Kira: At this point, Kanda began to suspect corruption so she went to see the president, Clippers. She determined through talking with him that he was not only unfit to be president, he had also fired and or imprisoned any other potential legislators and judiciaries on the planet. He was, essentially, a despot. Though he didn’t seem to notice, or understand, at that time. She left, and met up with her crew. She described the situation and they began discussing possible solutions.

Oshin: Did anyone during this meeting suggest a coup?

Kira: It was discussed.

Oshin: Really? Did the captain endorse this idea?

Kira: No. The captain’s theory was that the Heresaries, possibly with the endorsement of the UW were taking power. She did not want to start another incident with the UW so she instead pitched fixing the government.

Oshin: Fixing?

Kira: Yes. She was planning on somehow fixing the government. She had earlier lied to the president, indicating that she knew a city planner named Rick, who would help advise him. She forged documents to make her ally Light into this Rick. And then she went to meet with the president while the rest of the crew staged a jailbreak.

Oshin: Ah yes, the jailbreak.

Kira: Sledge blew up the mudslide, the very large one. And the police station emptied. The crew went down stairs and freed the prisoners, mostly political prisoners, which included Target and Stud, and Barge Wargeenoodle, Clippers’ brother. There were some Herasaries there and a fight broke out. Luckily there were no casualties.

Oshin: Yes, we did see that.

Kira: Right after the jailbreak, though we didn’t know at the time, the Herrasaries discovered that Rick was actually not who he said he was and they surrounded the captain. At this point, the captain and Light fought off their attackers and in a moment of remorse, possibly, the president gave the captain and her ally two teleportation dials. They escaped and rendezvoused with the rest of the crew, Stud, Target, and Barge Wargeenoodle. Barge began consolidating political allies and suggested they gather their most potent military ally, Lassie Stinklater.

Oshin: She was also in prison, correct?

Kira: She was in a very secure prison. The old upside-down spire.

Oshin: And were you all in the city at this point?

Kira: No. We had escaped via the fun sewers.

Oshin: I’m going to need a little more detail.

Kira: No waste. Clean water. More like a subterranean water park. It’s meant for fun. As this was a vacation, the captain insisted everything be “fun.” And the Jaxeans couldn’t help but oblige.

Oshin: So a fun Coup (laughter). Alright, settle, settle. Please proceed, Ms. Kira.

Kira: We met some jaxean teens, who smoked and were very unfriendly. Then we got in the Archon and went into orbit. That’s where we assembled our plan to break Lassie out of prison. You see, Lassie’s cell was a box dangling from a crane, about a thousand feet above a hydrogen bomb. But the crew discovered that the Herrasaries were teleporting meals to Lassie. So the crew infiltrated the station where the food was prepared and snuck the teleportation dial onto the teleporter and that was that.

Oshin: Lassie teleported out using the dial to the…

Kira: Cheese factory.

Oshin: Of course. And this infiltration, it is where the casualties occurred.

Kira: Um… I can’t…

Oshin: I would like to remind you that the Herrasaries are not my department and this interview will remain partitioned. We just want the truth. You are not under arrest, well, I guess you are under arrest, but not for these incidents.

Kira: Then yes. Light was quite ruthless in his insistence of leaving no survivors. It was also indicated by [Redacted] that we not leave… witnesses.

Oshin: We’ll redact that name.

Kira: Okay. So… yes. We managed to infiltrate the kitchen itself without violence. Mickey Van Clefe is an expert liar. Then we left and that’s when the coup happened. I should point out that the crew of the Archon, and myself, were all in orbit when the government changed hands.

Oshin: Oh, sure.

Kira: So… that’s it. Barge was declared president and Clippers was arrested.

Oshin: Yes, we know the rest.

Kira: And then… the crew voted to go back to Altorin.

Oshin: Oh. We’re going to have to stop you there. That’s… that’s another matter, not under our purview.

Kira: Of course.

Oshin: Is there anything you would like to add.

Kira: I have brought down more governments than I can count. Never has it been such a bizarre and comical ordeal.

Oshin: Comical? Let me remind you that people have died.

Kira: And I’m sure they will be missed. But, there was laughter between the gunshots.

Oshin: Well… thank you for your time, Kira.

Kira: It’s something I have a lot of these days.

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